Who doesn’t love the Onion’s A.V. Club? Troglodytes, that’s who. Mark Wexler’s documentary “How to Live Forever” gets not so much reviewed as lampooned. And rightly so:

Like Willard Scott without the jam, Wexler tracks down centenarians, including the world’s oldest living human (who, not surprisingly, has since died) as well as scientists, a medium, and a specialist who calls himself a “biggerontologist.” Through studying the people of Okinawa, Japan, where life expectancy greatly exceeds America’s, Wexler gleans the idea that cutting way back on calories and eating fresh fish and vegetables might be the way to go. (Alert viewers will note the lack of a “Breaking News” crawl.) But that doesn’t account for Buster Martin, a 101-year-old Brit who smokes, drinks (anything but water), eats red meat, and runs marathons—with periodic cigarette breaks, of course.

In many ways, I’ve given up on the idea that I will live forever. Or even that I will live for a very long time. If I do, I pray the method that gets me over the century mark  is that of the late great Pap Gustufson.